'Tis The Season To Be Breezin'

In case you're unsure what the title is about: a Bacardi Breezer is roughly equivalent to a Smirnoff Ice; and I don't like alcohol, anyway. Am I missing out?

Happy New Year? I guess? Well, fuck that (which any number of people are likely literally doing right now).

I Had Such A Nice Title For This

It rhymes with 'fool' but it was such a good word to describe my current situation. Why didn't I write it down?!

After a half-asleep misdemeanour by me, and subsequent misunderstanding by my fellow human, I have no one to talk to except you, dear reader. Coming after a terribly therapeutic session of (what should have been) teenage angst, it feels hard to cope. But what are my problems in light of hers (and, by extension, theirs)? Nothing, and she knows it, and I know it, and, without sarcasm, it begs the question of why she tolerates me at all.
Perhaps tonight wasn't the best night to watch Dead Poets Society for the first time. If only all culture were homogeneously 1950s-era American-prep-school, then perhaps it would be more directly applicable to my life. Would I have done alright at a boarding school? It's hard to say.

My impostor syndrome is kicking in harder than usual recently, on account of meeting a goddess. I feel like perhaps I should be grateful I don't have any of those pesky "social skills" to get in the way of my interactions with her. I wrote a song on account of her, which is ... nice? I guess? Would I have written the same song were I in the USA right now?

The pain kicks in my chest with the usual regularity these days. I shouldn't have listened to her - she was only trying to get me out of my shell. I think I was in there for my own good.

Fuck human nature, that's what. A long-distance relationship? Out of the question. Help me out here, Ellie.

Changesicle

Been a while since my last post. I'd ask if you missed me, but that'd be presuming a lot.

I'd like to think that I'm evolving and adapting. But really, I'm too afraid of life. One thing that's changed is that I've been talking to more women lately. What I don't understand is, why are they all so young?! The obvious answer (to me) being that socially functional women closer to my age are typically in places where I am not - in clubs, college, careers, church, and/or relationships. This doesn't bode well for my prospects, in many ways.

In a discussion with my friend the Princess Sierra (and also with a new friend, Revati) I admitted that what I really need is someone to hold on to. Like, physically (and by extension, emotionally).
Quite literally, I need nothing more or less than a hug. It makes sense considering that when I find myself liking someone, I can't really hold my feelings in check comfortably, when it feels as though my heart wants to reach through my chest and engulf that person. It makes me afraid to meet more people, because I keep meeting people that I really like.
Not only that, but when someone attractive is a lot younger than me it is really really hard to rationalize my feelings (quite a joke, really - emotions and rationality go together like ammonia and bleach ...)
More than once I've been told that "age is just a number". "oh, really?" I wonder, "And in relation to that, exactly what number of your gender have been abused and harassed on a daily basis, all the days of their life?"

I can't see myself being worthy of anything when I'm guilty by association. I know exactly why I am justified liking the people that I like, but one vegan lion doesn't absolve the species of its carnivorous nature.