Stairway to Heaven

It makes me wonder, really.

The day may come when I lose someone who I actually have a meaningful connection with, as opposed to a passing friendship.
What will I do? How will I feel? What would it mean? And what about others who would likely be closer to the person in question?

Nothing Else Matters, after all. I'm a Doubting Thomas, and Tomorrow Is A Long Time coming. Maybe someday I'll be Out Of The Woods.

Spirited Away

So it turns out, someone died. She was only 22.
Wow, that just ... really narrows it down, huh!

She didn't mean much to me, probably, in the grand scheme of things. The casual acquaintance who seems a little crazy at times and who never seems to have a dull moment.
From what I can see on her Facebook page, it is clear that she touched many lives, including mine.
Not in any majorly significant way. I never kissed her, or dreamed about her in any way. I knew her, but as that short kid who didn't take crap and was always happy hanging out with the self-professed 'nerds'. She was the touchy-feely type, which was cool because have I mentioned hugs are freaking awesome? Also boobs. I'm a guy, and I'm straight. I notice boobs. Deal with it.

No, she didn't mean much, just like a helicopter doesn't mean much to an alligator.
Actually, wait, does that even make sense?
What the hell am I drinking? Nothing? Dammit, brain, now how do I excuse this splattering of mumbo-jumbo?
... forget I said it.
... Wait, you can actually erase things in a blog post? Shit, wish I'd thought of that before going on this word bender.

I have very few people in my life who I could say I am 'close' to. Eleanor wasn't one of them. Most of them - nay, all of them - are not within walking distance (or even reasonable driving distance) from my current location. My dad's mother passed away recently - but I barely knew her. My sister could have been near death multiple times in the past year. My brother, too, except we didn't really endear ourselves to each other in our formative years. I honestly don't know how I'd react if either of them were to depart this plane of existence. And, speaking from experience, I would never be able to talk to them comfortably about the things I truly enjoy.

Eleanor does mean something to me, contrary to what one may have inferred from my words above. She is carefree, fun-size (short people are the best), and beautiful. I will probably never miss her as much as her family, or her close friends. The best I can say is that, with the whole world going to shit, she's in a better place. At least she died in her sleep (hopefully without any discomfort).

Every time I travel the roads of India - by foot or otherwise - I am forced to confront my mortality. I cannot count the number of scenarios I have envisioned of my own death. It's not fun, and I wish my brain would stop. I feel like it has made the concept of death too unreal for me - like all I have to do is change the variables of my imagination, and I will survive everything. I won't, and nor do I want to. I just want to live without pain - as does everyone, right?

Don't worry, Ellie. We weren't close - but in the grand scheme of things, I don't matter. You, however, deserve to be larger than life.

The Breeze Might Knock You Down

And yet another marriage coming up. In Toronto, if memory serves.
[Insert the age-old joke of how marriage is the #1 cause of divorce]

I used to have the most massive crush on this one (actually, who am I kidding? It would be fair to say I still have a crush on her, among others). Although - to be fair - I doubt there would have been anyone with a penis who didn't (unless they were thoroughly asexual). Then again, that's how I perceive a large proportion of my female friends to be. (no, not sex objects, you pervert - just very beautiful)

I've been told that you shouldn't put people on a pedestal - but then how else would the men of this planet be able to innocently peek up women's skirts?
Okay, yes, that was just a horrible joke. And yet, the metaphor in my mind remains - because everyone in the world has some desire to be someone else's ideal (or complement). And it's not exactly like I ask my brain to find a woman attractive as she passes through my field of vision.
Ladies, fair warning - I recommend you wear jeans while you're up on that pedestal.

Seriously, Where Would We Be Without It?

IT'S ALL ABOUT TEH SECKS

The bus driver on the way to work was noticeably more reckless than the norm. He looked Punjabi, or perhaps Sikh? (It might have been the turban and full beard).
No day would be complete without contemplation of one's mortality several times over, yes? And how can one think of mortality without even a fleeting thought towards the converse?

Mostly it comes to mind given the number of my friends getting hitched - which isn't particularly surprising given the age range. At least, most of them should populate the planet with halfway decent offspring, given what little I know of the couples in question.

Embrace the possibilities, maybe? Something worthwhile would be nice. Someone worthwhile would be better still ... or, more accurately, someone whose while I am worth.

Postal?

I found myself creeping through photos of friends again. Particularly the ones I remember finding attractive.
Good grief, there's a lot of them. And it's almost like nothing's changed.
Except, of course, that many things - if not everything - have in fact changed.

As my friend so succinctly put it, "I don't want to date, but there's all this fucking loneliness."

I'd congratulate myself on having all these deep thoughts - except what's the guarantee that I'm the first one to have had them, and what's the point when everything needs to be rediscovered each generation?

There are times I feel like I wasn't meant to be a human being.

Degradation

I used to do three-dimensional vector calculus in college.
In cartesian, cylindrical, and polar coordinate systems. (Granted, I struggled a bit with the latter two, but I could do it.)
And although I had a hard time with differential equations, I'd eventually get the right answer.

So ... why the hell am I struggling with this basic trigonometry?

Neuteronomy

I can't think today. These thoughts are neither in the order I thought of them, nor in the order I would like them to be.
And they sure as hell aren't complete.

--------------------------------------

So, this can happen.
Is it a bad thing that this appeals to me in so many ways as a punishment mechanism? For, well, anything undesirable?

It's almost funny - I need not fear punishment because I know I would never do anything to endanger said bits. In terms of physical danger, I generally try to avoid risks to my life. In terms of punishment for crimes - I'm too afraid to approach women, let alone violate them in any way ... and I don't have the presence of mind (or muscular strength) to even attempt most crimes. By all means, you're welcome to punish me, though. You'll just have to wait 'til I've done something wrong. Does that somehow make me better than you, or invalidate justice? I certainly wouldn't say so.

It's quite a safe generalization to categorize a rapist as a bully. After all, rape culture is more or less about power (and sex). And we know bullies are all about power.
All we have to do, then, is take away the power, yes? Seems simple enough. Sex is kind of important, though. (Though let's not talk about how much of it I'm having ...)

I am not going to belabor ideas about how every teensy word one says, or the smallest actions one takes through the course of day, can have an impact on the environment. It's an equivalent idea to the 'moth-causing-a-hurricane' and, regardless of its validity, it's an exercise in futility unless you are possessed of powers far beyond that of ordinary humans. (... in which case, why the fuck are you reading my blog? Why are you even on this planet when there's a whole Universe out there more deserving of your presence?)

Context is everything. In context, we are moving, talking masses of atoms. Out of context, we are (supposedly) rational beings. There is no absolute path in any issue, as clear-cut as I wish it were. (I know, right? The irony of absolutely stating that nothing is absolute ...) I make such a big deal out of how criminals must be caught and dealt with, and yet I deliberately never engage with the question of why they are criminals.

Forget about the patriarchy for just a hot second. Drop a canister of industrial-grade pepper spray into the hands of every female in the country (nay, in the world), and tell them how (and when) to use it.
Let's ignore the fact that a small percentage of people will be affected by the spray even without deserving it - we can equate that to collateral damage for now.
When we give an effective means of punishment to the ones who are most deeply affected by a given crime - how does a bully otherwise remain a bully? Because society enables it, yes - and also because the victim either cannot or does not fight back effectively.

How can one be accused of sitting on the fence when they're still wandering around trying to figure out where the fence is? Of course, there is no fence, but humans are broken that way - we need fences. Here, or there. 'Somewhere' is, evidently, not an acceptable answer, because 'right there' is unequivocally and abso-posi-lu-tively (sic) the right place for it.

You kill the bullies by teaching would-be victims to beat them down, teaching their peers not to stand idly by or encourage it, and only then will bullies learn. Nobody likes being told what or what not to do, so no one is going to listen to authority even if the authorities were miraculously in full support of the underdog. Give the underdog brass knuckles, and to hell with the consequences. A world of limitations is not a world worth living in.