Fortune

So, yeah, this has been an eventful series of weeks.

Things are back to normal, almost ... except that I'm not at the same level of loneliness that I used to be. I can certainly say that's an improvement.

I'm not an emotional person. Not usually, anyway. I've always prided myself on being rational and logical, and perhaps this was where I fell short - all those emotions, so long kept in check, eroding at my control and clouding my perceptions. (Not to mention that that made me seem indifferent to everything.) It's not something I was previously prepared for, and it's probably a good thing, in the long run, that we separated before anything untoward happened.

I feel a bit better about myself now, however - she gave me hope. A potion more potent, there is not.

She may or may not be the one for me (and vice versa), but someone will be. Someday.

Uncouth

Time for some more words to be said. Ready? Here we go:

 "Banana fish origami spork."

Okay, done. Wasn't that fun?

The fact of the matter is, not everyone knows the whole story - not even myself. And as much as I implore my peers not to jump to conclusions, it's not an easy task even for me.

As you judge my actions, opinions, and reactions, all I ask is that you realize how much stress I have been going through. I mean, do you know how it feels to be forced to find a job within three months of graduation or go home? Can you truly understand how it feels to have almost no truly close personal friendships for over 21 years? And don't tell me to talk to God, because I have. It may not seem that way on the surface, but being born and raised Catholic, being a musician, living in an environment that I think is far more enlightening than America, and learning some of the deepest concepts of science, gives me a connection to God that I fear I may never be able to share with anyone. Can you honestly tell me that I don't know what I'm talking about? Because I could say the very same to you.

Some clarifications, just because, like anyone, I hate being misinterpreted:

- It's easy to mean well, and not so easy to do well - both you, dear reader, and I have experienced this on some level at some point in our lives. But if we aren't rational about what we do, I can't say that our prospects for success are high. After obtaining multiple outside opinions on my  post titled "Culture", I still fail to see how any privacy was lost or defamation incurred, because I was careful to keep it ambiguous. Using a single phrase from a conversation is NOT equivalent to a loss of confidentiality. An air of passive-aggressiveness would not be out of place in that post, and for that I apologize - but it would appear that rationality was lost on more than just myself.
In hindsight, I did appear to vilify my ex-girlfriend, which is not something I intended to imply. It was her idea to end the relationship, and I agreed - it was a mutual break-up. I'm fairly certain that if she hadn't done so, then I eventually would have. It was the wrong thing for both of us.

- While it may not be my place to criticize decisions by authoritative figures, it is entirely my place - in fact, it would be dutiful - to express discontent. I realize that I could have done so far more tactfully, and for that I am sorry. I know there must have been more in play and I wish I knew the whole story, but in the absence of better data my conclusions remain standing. It would also be prudent to note that my post titled "Life Is Short" was composed the day after I became single again, and I was far more emotional than I normally give myself license to be. I will not try to excuse what was said, but I stand by what I intended to mean.

The Flavour of Regret

Going off of what I mentioned in my last post - text is an inconvenient medium.

BUT, it's all I really have at the moment while I figure stuff out. Sometimes I wish I had a best friend - you think you know what it's like without one, but believe me when I tell you that you really, really don't.

I am going to spell things out, at least for myself; make of it what you will.

I realize that my prior two blog posts came off much harsher than I intended them, and I apologize. I understand that more than one of my friends has read these and been offended, and I apologize.

I realize that I am at fault, and for that I am truly sorry.

This is not to say that I am solely culpable in particular matters, but in the interest of reconciliation I hope that will be acknowledged in the appropriate forum, and it's about time we searched out that forum.

All I can say in my defense is that I have been going through a lot lately that I have never had prior experience with, and neither did I ever expect to experience some of it in my lifetime. And I request - nay, I beseech - you, the reader, to truly understand that. I cannot make this clear enough.

I will not stand meekly by and simply be forced to acquiesce - I want to understand all viewpoints, and I want all viewpoints understood, before I choose to comply, for thus is true knowledge borne.

There is much more that needs to be said, and so will it be.

Culture

So there was this girl, right? She liked me.

I liked her too, so we hung out.

Then we became close, and our friends were like, Whaaat?

And so we were, until we weren't.

Some friends were like, Whaaat? again, and some were Meh. and some were like, Yay!

Honestly, I don't get it. This pervasive belief that you can't maintain a friendship after a break-up. I suppose it could stem from the sound of that word. Break-up. Bleh. Breaking off pieces of yourself, is what it brings to mind if you let it simmer long enough. Why? I wasn't the one who ended it, and I told her from the beginning that if it didn't feel right then I was counting on her to tell me, because I had no prior experience to compare it with. I tried to understand her, and through her understand myself. It's all about me, after all, isn't it? Just like friends who care about one or both of us but don't realize how little they know of the whole story. It's all about them and that's how they define their friendships, somehow. I wish I knew how that worked.

I shared my heart with her, and she shared hers with me, and knowing I have absolutely no prior experience in such matters, she gave me patience, which I cannot appreciate enough.

But maybe I wasn't ready. Maybe she wasn't ready. That's no excuse to lose a friend - and no excuse for others to judge us by.

Even though it's essentially encoded in our brains to do so. Whether by genetics or environment, I don't care. We fight against our primal urges using the seeming excuse that a higher power sees all. But if fear of that higher power is all that stops someone from being a bad person then I don't know if I care for that someone, because I can safely say I am not afraid of God, and yet I still know how to be a good person. As far as I am aware, anyway. I could be wrong, though, so don't give up hope yet.

I don't even know where that came from. Divine inspiration, perhaps?

You really can't put as much emotion as you'd like into a message based in text, no matter how much you try. Someone is going to misunderstand, or misinterpret, or over-analyze, or something. As adept as I am at using it, the English language is really effing limited in its expressiveness.

I wonder how many girlfriends Jesus had growing up.

Life Is Short

SO. MANY. CHANGES.

-First, the CCM lost a great music minister.

-Then, I have to prepare to graduate, and find a job, and a new place to live.

-Then (and I know quite a few people were proud of me for this), I found a wonderful girl who I could call my significant other, and was happy.

-And then, I'm alone again.

...........................

Lets step through this.

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The Catholic diocese in Richmond took the liberty this Fall semester 2011 to finally appoint a managing body for the Catholic Campus Ministry at ODU.

This is all well and good, except that they were also kind enough to (basically) boot out the existing music ministry led by my good friend Fred Johnson.

Honestly, what would you say if you'd been leading a music group for 16 years at your own behest - and you were good at it! - and the higher-ups were like, "Well that's cool, but we don't need you any more."? And then  you were replaced with someone fresh out of college with no experience, who didn't even bother to talk to you and learn the best way to go about doing what you did?

I really couldn't care less about the management - but taking the music and downgrading it like that was - and is - something really hard for me to handle.

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I graduate this December 2011 with a Bachelor of Science in Electrical Engineering, minoring in Computer Engineering, Physics, and Music.

My lease ends at the end of November, which means that I will be without a home during exam week. Fun, eh? Let's see who I can bunk with for a bit.

I was contacted after a job fair and have a phone interview lined up - and that's about it as far as jobs go. I can't legally work at my current job once I graduate, because it's not "directly related to [my] major". I am allowed up to 90 days of unemployment once I graduate, and then ... I have no idea.

Let me just say that you probably have no idea how f***ing scared I am.

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It would be inaccurate to say 'I found her', because quite technically we kind of accidentally found each other thanks to my friend's computer (no, not a dating website. No, not a porn website either! For crying out loud, why on earth would you think like that?). Let's just say God works in mysterious ways, apparently, using broken computers and dorm roommates.

Lindsie is like and unlike me in so many ways, and someone I could truly connect with. I believe she confirmed, for me, an idea my friend postulated - namely, that I could only be truly happy with someone on an intellectual level similar to mine - and by God, she was close.

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Honestly, of all the times for me to meet my first girlfriend, now would be the worst, wouldn't it? About to graduate, no idea if I'd be in the same area, with the stresses of my final classes - and with her being an undergraduate researcher and studying full-time, every time we hung out it had the lingering feeling that it was detracting from our study time (and several times, that was in fact the case).

I'm certainly not better off now that we've parted ways ... but I'm still in a better position than before I met her, because now I know the joy that can be borne of a healthy emotional and intellectual relationship - and to think that I fully expected to go single for the rest of my life before I met her ...

One of the few things that might get me down about it, though, is that I can no longer joke about having never been in a relationship before. 

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Soooo ... yeah, I'm a bit miffed - and, perhaps, overwhelmed - but I can't help but think I'm supposed to learn something from all of this. "Grow up", as Lindsie liked to say, is the rather obvious one, but I think "Persevere" is the lesson I'd like to take away from this. Kind of like Fred, who's started up his own choir group outside of the ODU campus to continue doing what he loves. I really want to join them, but first I have to make the new CCM music ministry the best that it can be before I leave. (And then I have to find a job. And a place to live. But let's not go there yet ...)

The End Of The World, As We (Don't) Know It. (Part 2-ish)

I'm tolerant, I'll say that much.

Tolerant, but not of gender, or sexual orientation, or race, or religion, or anything superficial like that.  These are aspects of our humanity, and I embrace them wholeheartedly.

Rather, I am tolerant of people.
Stupid people, to be more specific.

As my more comedic friends on Facebook are spreading it right now:

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Please put this on your status if you know or are related to someone who suffers from stupidity. People need to understand that stupidity is real and should be taken seriously. You could be sitting next to a stupid person right now. There is still no known cure for stupidity and sympathy does not help. Sometimes a 2x4 to the back of the head helps, but not a lot. But we can raise awareness!

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Stupidity. Ignorance. The hallmarks of our arrogance.

It's become my mission in life to know as much as I can, just for the sake of knowing ... and, methinks, the world would become a better place if more people shared that mission. (Think of a world as in Star Trek - the abolishment of money and therefore poverty and wealth and greed; the freedom and drive to work together to eradicate poverty and disease; the colonization of space, and true space travel. [The presence of extraterrestial life, I will leave open to speculation.]) Call me idealistic, but that is truly a dream I would rather not die for, but live to make true.

Sadly, a brain such as mine (or anyone's, really) was not built to store all the information we now have access to, and instead - my programmer friends will appreciate this - is filled with 'pointers' to where all the information is.

You'll find any number of scientific studies that prove this to be the case for most of the technologically-savvy world. Are we getting more stupid? I don't know, I'll Google it and get back to you ...

On a different and yet somehow related note, the survival of the species (our species, in case you were wondering) has been on my mind recently. To put it succinctly: our penchant for preserving life at all costs is having its consequences, as I mentioned in my last post. Not that I am against living longer, but still, living longer in a world that's going to shit (see: The Daily Show / Colbert Report) is not a particularly happy prospect. As good as people are getting at knocking themselves out of the gene pool (e.g. Jackass), it's not nearly good enough. Humans are still driven by genetically encoded tendencies, and since we've mostly overridden natural selection as it used to exist, we need to engage in a mission to purify the human genome™*. No, I don't mean eugenics ... well, yes, I do, but NOT in the way Hitler intended. Besides, Hitler simply thought too small - he wanted his one puny race to rule the Earth. I dream bigger by far - I want all of humanity to populate the entire Universe. And a step in that direction would be to, shall we say, prune our existing evolutionary tree of bad fruit. I mean, who needs the death penalty when we've got vasectomies?
Better yet, we need to encourage as many people as possible to compete for the Darwin Award.
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*What, you didn't know that most of your DNA - the fundamental building blocks of what makes you "you" - was patented? Better not try any DNA-based experiments, or they'll sue the RNA out of you.

The End Of The World, As We Know It. (Part 1)

(Brace yourself; this may [or may not!] be a long one.)

The human race has scarred the Earth and changed the natural course of events, whatever that may have been. We came into existence as natural beings, in equilibrium with the planet and its denizens, and our so-called intelligence has upset that equilibrium (and, thus far, not in our favour).

A friend and I were having a discussion about the multitude of rather stupid people in the world, and I began to wonder why that might be, and what consequences might arise. This is what I came up with:

In the days before technology (and out in the natural world even today), those that were meant to die would die, and those that happened to live would live on until it was their time to die. The ones that lived longer had a greater chance of passing on their genes, and the fact that they survived to do so entailed the possibility that there was some quality about them (such as speed, agility, or the like) that happened to keep them alive - a quality which, ideally, would be passed on to the offspring (unless it was random chance, in which case, there would really be no difference). This cycle would repeat over all generations, leading to beings more suited to survive each generation.

This is the concept known as survival of the fittest, or natural selection - a primary tenet to evolution* - and it was in place in nature for a reason.

In this day and age, modern medicine has done wonders to keep us alive, at the cost of prolonging the life of those who would not otherwise have survived; hence, the habitual drunk driver who may be responsible for God-knows-how-many accidents, remains alive to pass on his genes to the next generation, perpetuating the tendency to drink and drive.

(This applies to any sort of trait or tendency that might be passed on genetically, such as mental or physical disorders.)

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*To all Bible-pushing or otherwise mentally impaired fools out there: Evolution does not imply monkeys changing into humans; it describes adaptation to long-term changes in environment, often resulting in speciation. This usually results in increasing complexity over generations, but the opposite can also be true - it all depends on the environment. READ THIS LINK, and UNDERSTAND. I CANNOT over-emphasize the importance of understanding.

Another couple of side effects of the wonders of medicine are the rampant overpopulation that even now threatens our global economy and ecosystem, and the creation of deadly 'superbugs' such as MRSA. These, in conjunction with 'survival of the unfit' along with the fit and the fittest, will conspire to starve the human race through depletion of resources - assuming we don't blow ourselves up first - if we cannot find a way to (1) increase efficiency and cleanliness, or (2) leave the planet.

To be continued ...

Growing Up.

Well, it's kind of obvious what this post is about, given that laudable event last week. 

Similarly (and yet in a different way) in this video, the kid on the left also grew up. Note: he deserved it, no matter how you look at it.

I am only aware of about three people who read my blog of their own volition; thus it is safe to say that Jordann is unlikely to see this, and will remain blissfully unaware of her status as Girl #2. Since I brought up that topic, I figured I'd update it with the fact that Girl #3 has a boyfriend, whom she is deeply in love with, so not a chance there.

There is now, inexplicably, unbelievably, incredibly, a Girl #4. She plays the flute.

Again, as far as I know she is probably unaware that I even have a blog, so she can thankfully (hopefully too!) remain oblivious.

We're going to practice some duets together soon. Will I be able to either 1) remain calm and keep her unsuspecting? or 2) use it as an excuse to ask her out? Only time will tell ... although the history of the entirety of my previous encounters with girls is not in my favour.

Of course, in the event she reads this, she's going to know ... but hey, what have I to lose? Not to mention the insignificant odds of her reading my blog.

I almost feel like I've betrayed myself - looking at the contrast between the deep discussions I posted last year and how mundane and sappy my recent posts have been.

Still, my life isn't nearly as eventful as hers; perhaps I should be grateful for this? I don't know.

Stay tuned for a possible discourse on the end of the world as we know it.

XXI

Year 21 of existence.


BOO-YAH! Lobo is legal!
Not that that means much for my non-drinking, non-smoking, non-driving ass ...


Take that, everyone who isn't 21 yet!
I'm catching up, everyone who's over 21 already!


Hugs all round. =)
I'd say hugs and kisses, but hopefully ... just maybe ... the kisses will come in handy later on.

.dessertS

I have a feeling that the day my brain melts, it'll probably make for some spectacular YouTube fodder.

Perish the thought ...

Well, it's week 6 of the first semester of my last year at university. Assuming all goes well, that is.

I've been in college since Fall 2006, and I transferred to ODU in Spring 2008 to pursue a Physics major, with a minor in Music Perfomance (viola, to be specific). That semester, I learned of a joint program with the Electrical Engineering department, which would offer me a dual degree in Physics and Electrical Engineering. My father being an electrical engineer, I sought his advice, and went with it.

It took me until Fall 2009 to realize that Physics was not entirely up my alley, no matter how much I wanted it to be. I dropped Physics to the status of second minor and went with just the EE degree. In Spring 2010, I realized that with just a couple more courses, I would gain the accomplishment of  having a third minor - namely, Computer Engineering.

So now it's Spring 2011, I've taken those couple more courses that I need, and by the time I graduate I will have a B.S.E.E. and three minors (Computer Engineering, Physics, and Music Performance) to my credit. Deal with it, because I sometimes feel like I can't.

Again, assuming all goes well. Perish the thought ...

\o/\o/\o/\o/\o/\o/\o/\o/\o/\o/\o/\o/

On a note related to the above in a way entirely dependent on how hard you can slap yourself, today is St. Valentine's Day. Not that I'm a particularly religious person, but I do kind of find it deplorable that a day dedicated to a holy person is so commercial. Thank God I can celebrate Christmas without ... well, Easter is always fun ... I can't wait for the St. Patrick's Day celebr ... never mind.

It's also comically known as Singles Awareness Day (the acronym of which, not to be depressing, spells out S.A.D., and it was funny when a friend of mine just discovered that).

I would love to say I'm not single for lack of trying, but sadly, it's too true that I have never really tried. And worse, it may very well be my fate, because I can't bring myself to try.

I once thought I would never get over her, but I was only partly wrong - at this point, I can, in fact, see myself without her, or with others I have met after her - but she will forever hold a piece of my heart. (She was never my girlfriend, FYI.) Yet, even though I know I can move on, how do I move on? I don't know what I would do if any of them were to say no; I have even less of an idea what I would do if any of them said yes!

Ah, the blessed curse of being intellectual ... my thoughts are far from bad company, but they can be my worst enemy on my bad days; my pillows are incredibly comfortable and always ready and waiting for me at home, but they don't hug back, and they don't generate their own warmth. You see what I'm getting at, surely. Just so you know, I'm not ashamed of being single, or depressed about it - but I'm not gay, either.

To all the wonderful women out there, especially you who lay such a bittersweet spell upon me:

-- Insert profound sentiments here --

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Hint: That line is a placeholder signifying my inability to express my true affections.

The Feeling.

How does it feel ... to feel?


It's a curious feeling, if I do say so myself.

Happy New Year !

To all my loyal readers (and fellow hominids / Earthicans / potential zombies):


Here's wishing you all a very joyous new year 2011! =)