I've never known either true happiness or true misery in my adult life.
With the exception of that morning some time in the summer of 2012, now that was truly something. I woke from a truly blissful dream and for that short pre-waking period I remember the feeling of utter contentment far beyond words.
And lo, how I crashed from that pedestal. I'd thought I knew how to feel sad; nothing I know of describes the feeling of such joy revealing itself as a fantasy.
In the space of minutes, I experienced what felt like the highest height and deepest depth of my emotional capability. But after such happiness, what else is left but sadness? That is the default state; no doubt dark is merely the absence of light, but there is no self-sustaining light in my life to speak of.
It comes up in all the movies: trust. One thing that underlies all of what we so arrogantly call 'civilization'. Religious blowhards like to call it 'faith' like calling it a different name gives them special power (which, unfortunately, it actually does, in some sense).
As of this point in my life, I have yet found no one to trust except Princess Sierra - and it hurts. I'm not in America where I could cry on a friend's shoulder. Fuck, for crying out loud, I don't even trust myself. How can I be a functional adult?
Trust in human relationships is not a barter system in practice. And therein lies its difficulty for me, having never had anyone to teach me the ropes.
With the exception of that morning some time in the summer of 2012, now that was truly something. I woke from a truly blissful dream and for that short pre-waking period I remember the feeling of utter contentment far beyond words.
And lo, how I crashed from that pedestal. I'd thought I knew how to feel sad; nothing I know of describes the feeling of such joy revealing itself as a fantasy.
In the space of minutes, I experienced what felt like the highest height and deepest depth of my emotional capability. But after such happiness, what else is left but sadness? That is the default state; no doubt dark is merely the absence of light, but there is no self-sustaining light in my life to speak of.
It comes up in all the movies: trust. One thing that underlies all of what we so arrogantly call 'civilization'. Religious blowhards like to call it 'faith' like calling it a different name gives them special power (which, unfortunately, it actually does, in some sense).
As of this point in my life, I have yet found no one to trust except Princess Sierra - and it hurts. I'm not in America where I could cry on a friend's shoulder. Fuck, for crying out loud, I don't even trust myself. How can I be a functional adult?
Trust in human relationships is not a barter system in practice. And therein lies its difficulty for me, having never had anyone to teach me the ropes.
