So Much Could Have Been Done Different.

You are you.
We are you.
You are me.
There you are.


A thought, a flash, a spark, a wave of emotion.

Read no more, there we go. Time is blind, justice is crippled, love is drunk, fear is near.

A word of warning: she looks like you, and you look like them. Don't be fooled.

Let Me Put It This Way

If you're a friend of mine who reads this blog, let me know. (... the whole "if a tree falls in the forest" conundrum.) And in addition, if you're female, and you live nearby to where I am, please consider providing a shoulder for me to cry on. I have no one.

I Don't Know Me

Not counting the mainstream blogs that I read, I follow exactly two people right now. I don't know if they follow me. I don't know if they'd care. Well, I know one of them might. Kind of.

I don't know why I do music, do I? I was ... in it, and it was fun, I think.

I learned some things in a haphazard way. I can sing for the most part, and - interestingly? - my voice, quite possibly, is strong only because of my rocky relationship with my brother.
But I don't have the vocal control that I've seen people accomplish. I don't have a falsetto that I know of, possibly due to a bout of strep throat in my teens.

I've mentioned before how my mind seems to operate, and that hasn't changed. Yes, I was instructed in violin / viola; no I did not have formal instruction on mandolin or for my voice. But what worth are those instruments on their own? I'm not good enough that I could command others' respect - I'm only novel enough that I demand their envy. The instant I leave that bubble and go someplace with actually good musicians, the jig is up. I know this, because I was in that place where the good musicians are, for four years. And they all show up online, with so many others.

I'm not worth any of this. I need someone to tell me why I go on.

Speaking Of Me, Myself, and I

Story of my life: I didn't ask to be born. I didn't, I didn't ask. Who can I blame for this blunder, I wonder?

Nearest Distance

How can I keep away while also being so near?
Fences! Barriers, yes? Barriers solve everything, just ask the Chinese ... or Donald Trump.

I can't fence myself in, because that's all I've been doing my entire life.
I can't fence her in, because she's a person with a life that is worth far more than I could ever be.

How obnoxious is it for a person to ask how obnoxious they are?

Regress

I was on a boat for a bit, yesterday.

I remembered how someone once tried to fondle me on the public bus when I was young, in Dubai. I used to walk around, and take the bus, and taxis, alone, a lot, growing up. That it only happened once is ... lucky.

I recognize how lucky I was that I lived on one of the most crime-ridden streets near my college in the USA for 3 years ... and nothing happened to me even though I walked and cycled alone very regularly, even late at night.

And then I remembered that I was also not a woman.

I nearly broke down and wept on that boat.

What Are Ye Thinkin'

Will I survive?
I don't know. I don't think anyone has.

What does survival mean?
I don't know. I don't think anyone knows.

Where do we go from here?
Oh, fuck my brain.