I'm [a] Stranger. What's The Danger?

The realization that you could not have achieved an accurate self-evaluation without the aid of your peers is ... humbling. Even more so than being alive, or looking at the glory of the Universe contained in the night sky. And to be acutely aware that this evaluation is far from complete, but will forever guide me to new horizons ...

Thanks to Miguel, I realize that it's safe to say that I am - and always have been, probably - afraid of that which I want most. It's the old adage of "Be careful what you wish for ..." on a plateau of paranoia, and, if my instinct is correct, it's probably not the most optimal of states to be in.

Thanks to my good friend the Scythestone, I was compelled to actually ponder and try to codify my world-view, rather than leave it simmering as the saturated fog that it was in my head. It's still a fog, of course, but I am now somewhat more aware of its essentials. I hard a hard time putting it in words, but it was quite an exercise in simplification, and I feel that some good may come of it.
How do I know so many people? I have no clue - but I'm sure the eccentricity of my perceptions gets some part of the blame.

A balance of the good and the bad, because nobody's perfect. My 'sphere of influence' is large enough to overlap multiple other such spheres, to a degree that I can observe a significant portion of how people's actions reverberate through social circles, like bells tolling the positive and/or negative reactions of the people affected. Equally interesting is observing reactions of those who are not affected at all. A reaction with no cause? Let me warn you that classical physics is sometimes a poor guide to apply to social situations.

As always, more thought is required; insufficient information and focus exists to arrive at a viable conclusion.

I love my odds, but I hate my odds.

To Discuss An Argument; What A Debate

I hate arguments ... or, more accurately, I dislike the predominant idea of arguments in today's world.
This overwhelming idea (particularly in American culture) that one person must win, must come out on top - and usually resulting in the loser being shamed and rubbed into the dirt, usually just for kicks.
Nowhere is this more evident than in politics, where it's covered up in layer upon grungy layer of dripping politeness and the pretense of knowing the truth of what you're fighting for.

Most people who know me know that I much prefer to discuss things.
It's such an alien idea in the social scene, sometimes. The small group - maybe just two people - of friends that get together, and discuss the world around them like it's a book ... they have the right idea. The idea borne out in any successful book club is that of discussion.
Perhaps you've been there. You see the respect each person tends to have for another in a discussion. The open mind in each person that exists ONLY because everyone has few, if any, presumptions, and understands that maybe they're not seeing the whole picture, or if they are, they're looking at it in their own way, and maybe someone else's viewpoint could be beneficial.

Cut to the political scene - criticisms out the wazoo; statements and promises, often without conclusive backing; a gladiator fight of nothing but words, designed for one thing and one thing only: Please believe me more than that person over there.

Every person I've met has been open to some degree of discussion, limited by that person's bias. This is, of course, a two-way street - but, contrary to many individuals I've encountered, I try to be well aware of my own biases, so that I can account for them. Suffice it to say that the worst offenders were, more often than not, Christians.
Then there's the Internet, where, shielded by a wall of anonymity (or in the case of Facebook, physical distance), people drop their façade of social conduct in order to project an image of wisdom and objective truth. Or to troll, which deserves its own level of hell when it's uncalled for.

I was imagining some great discourse when Miguel suggested this topic, but sadly it faded away as I thought about it, leaving a simple, but pointed, observation:
Discussion - or, as Miguel would have me describe it, dialectic - is the cornerstone that underlies the modern world. The free sharing of information between parties who are open to correction of their misinformation is what Wikipedia exists for, and why it is the greatest repository of information that may ever exist (barring the libraries of the ancients).
Assuming you bothered to read into the hyperlinks in the previous paragraph, you are now aware of how your own subconscious can blind you from the truths of others. It is these discontinuities in our perceptions that are exercised in a traditional argument, or debate, and may never be resolved in that mode because we remain so staunchly committed to our cause.
(On a related note: the patent system, with its noble roots of giving credit where credit is due, has devolved into little more than a money-grabber and killer of innovation; one need only look at Apple and its contemporaries to understand why. Why do I bring this up? Think about my words on the freedom of information.)

As always, a simple solution is most effective, i.e. keep an open mind, and beware the biases that blind you.

Christi-Hun

(This first paragraph goes out to a few people who are actually really unlikely to read this anyway.) First, let me make this perfectly clear: this is not a matter of "moving on". As I have explained several times to several people, I've been ready to move on since before I came to this country; don't presume to lecture me on something I am acutely more familiar with than you are. You don't know know the meaning of "moving on" in the context I am speaking of, unless you are an international student - which most of you are not.

There, done. Now, to the meat of the issue ...
---------------------------------------------------
For perhaps the first time in my life, my sleep is troubled because of a person's actions.
I would never have imagined that Andrew's policy change would have affected me so deeply, and considering that I have yet to encounter my opportunity to move on to greater things, it just keeps grating away, painful to the soul.

Of course, he has no idea, since he was never a member of the ODU student community to begin with. If he - or any new member of CCM - were to say that they could imagine the pain that he caused, that's more than likely a lie - a mortal sin - right there. And this isn't some rant about just myself, oh most definitely not. This was painful to many people.
Imagine that you are a master sculptor, you have been doing what you do for a long time - you are good at what you do because you love what you do. Then some faceless administration sends you off to a place where there is nothing to sculpt, and replaces you with a still-wet-behind-the-ears rookie, and conditions her to believe that this action was honorable. And furthermore, the new people she caters to now have no idea of what they've lost. That is what hurts - being forcibly cut off from the community you love for no other reason than that we're "no longer students". It cuts right down to the spirit.

When I meet people, I've always made a habit of presenting my trust and respect at the outset (call me naive, I don't care), and only reducing / revoking that respect if their actions warrant it. Most people recognize this, and have the presence of mind to reciprocate, thus gaining me numerous valuable friendships during my time here.

Action #1: Discouraging alumni and non-student involvement.
Forget the fact that no other organization I have been a part of - both Christian and not - would ever institute such a rule unless the non-student community was actually doing something detrimental. Forget the fact that he's not a student here either - by his own logic he should get the hell out. Forget that it's not a children's organization - it's an organization for young adults, and you're seriously going to tell me that it's better NOT to have actual, experienced adults present? Even if they volunteer their own time freely to be there, and have been doing so for decades?
To presume that one human has the authority to tell another that their vocation is "unnecessary", with no experience to speak of in that regard - blasphemous in any sense.
Respect lost. Not completely, but significantly.

Action #2: Censorship.
Let me tell you something - I know a thing or two about censorship, seeing as I was born and raised in the Middle East. In addition, I'm quite familiar with the practices of such popular governing bodies as those of North Korea and China.
I posted my reaction to Action #1 in the CCM Facebook group, and a good person commented expressing their sympathy. But they didn't know why. All I had posted was a reaction, and many people were unaware of what the Action was. And so I posted about the Action that had caused my reaction. I'm a scientist, after all - I'm not going to give out incomplete information and be misinterpreted.
And so, Action #2 was taken - my post was deleted, and I was blocked from posting anything new. As soon as I posted anything that showed him in a bad light - *pfft* gone.
Forget that I was an active member of the organisation for FOUR YEARS, and others for far longer than that. Forget that I was part of a minority - international students - that could provide important insights into Christianity and life in general that they might otherwise never encounter. Forget that I was an experienced musician that could help guide the music ministry until it was my time to move on.
Even the alumni Facebook group was blocked off from all of the alumni - we couldn't post anything in our own group. Funny, isn't it? The new people take over, kick out all the old members without so much as a tip of the hat, take over the old group, create a new group where the prior members are unwelcome to join, and then bar anyone from posting in the old group.
Tell me honestly: Do such actions warrant respect?
To lie is a mortal sin, according to the Ten Commandments of Christianity.
Withholding information is a lie, in that it is not the whole truth. The sin of omission that many of us are familiar with, n'est pas?
Censorship - a sin of omission. A lie. A mortal sin. In this so-called free country.
Respect: Totally lost.

For your own soul's sake, I hope you, the reader, are not prideful enough to call me a hypocrite. I know my flaws and you know yours, and we all know that lies have their place in a human society - but this should never be one of them.
___________________________

For the longest time, even I didn't understand why I was angry, but I do now - a year too late. Maybe I'll sleep better tonight? I doubt it, but maybe somehow, someday, some way, the wrongs will be righted. Or not. I really don't know.

Oh, the inconveniences of fate;
We shall rendezvous at a later date.

The Wisdom of Understanding Knowledge

Quite succinct, yes? I certainly think so. ^_^

As a result of one of my usual in-depth discussions with the Scythestone, I ended up revisiting an ideology left untouched and simmering for years within my own head.
I only vaguely remember my sage father trying to explain this to me around my tender teen years, so what has surfaced within my mind is probably not exactly what he intended to pass on to me, but I think it should suffice nonetheless.

Knowledge, understanding, and wisdom. Are you ready?

1) Knowledge: without it, there is nothing else.

Knowledge is also a subset of information. How is this so?

There is information everywhere. The simplest idea it boils down to is to consider each and every subatomic particle in the known and unknown Universe to be a single bit of information, and it easily builds up from there - as computer programs and files are built up using bits, which make up bytes, kilobytes, megabytes, etc. of binary code within the universe defined by computer hardware, so too are all physical things built up from subatomic particles, of which are composed the atoms and thus the molecules that comprise everything within our physical Universe. (As with all analogies, this is not absolute, but it suffices for my purposes here.)

It's not a particularly hard stretch of the imagination, all things considered.

For the religious nuts out there: Information, therefore, is omnipresent, much like God. It would most certainly not be blasphemous, either, to posit that God might even, possibly, be present in that information to some degree. A simple example would be the matter that would have composed Jesus' body - clearly God was present there. You disagree? Try disproving it.

Now that you have an idea of what is represented by information (i.e. everything that exists), knowledge becomes evident as the extent of information that is perceived. What I mean is that, in order for something to be known or perceived, something must exist in order to know/perceive it. Therefore, if the Universe were purely made up of non-sentient matter, all information would still exist, but none of it would be known because nothing would exist to know it. It's an extension of the typical "tree falling in a forest" conundrum - trees could be falling all over the place, but unless and until someone or something is there to observe the falling or to hear the sound made (i.e. the information), it is utterly and absolutely irrelevant since nothing is present to know it.

This, then, is a summary: Knowledge is, at its base, pure information - but it is only a subset of all the information that exists.

2) Understanding - the correlation of knowledge in order to arrive at possible conclusions.

Once you know what you know, of what use is it? You learn how to apply it, or else it would just be "something you know". As any child learning to count can testify - it's exceedingly easy to know that 1+1=2. Understanding why that is true, however, is imperative to being able to extrapolate to 2+2=4, 5+7=12, 9*16=144, and so on and so forth. In this case, without that singular piece of understanding (i.e. the concept of quantities), nothing else based on that knowledge can make sense. One might learn all the numbers and symbols and algorithms in arithmetic, but without correlation of the base concepts of quantity and addition, one can never understand why a particular series of operations always results in a given answer.

In this way, you can see how once the information is known, it can be correlated in order to arrive at understanding.

Encryption in modern communication is an example of where withholding information enables the loss of understanding. A message is encoded by use of a cipher - both of which are coherent, understandable information - to create gibberish, or incoherent information, which can then be communicated. Anyone who does not obtain said cipher can (theoretically) never correlate the gibberish with any other information in order to understand the original message.

Another example, perhaps easier to think about: a woman returning home after work sees her husband running out the door and getting into a car with another woman, who drives off at high speed. In the absence of any other information, she can easily (and therefore most likely will) assume that he is cheating on her. However, since he was in enough of a hurry that he forgot to leave a message, she is lacking some critical piece of information - in this case, that other woman is his sister, and they are both on their way to see their critically ill parent - and therefore she will not have the information available to correlate and arrive at an understanding. Surely this or something similar has been happening since the dawn of human relationships.

Summarizing: Understanding of a given segment of knowledge can only result from the assimilation and correlation of all relevant information.

3) Wisdom - the ability to distinguish what knowledge is relevant to a situation.


Good, so now you know everything. Now what?
Think about that popular TV show, Junkyard Wars. There are heaps upon heaps of scrap lying around, out of which any number of things could be created - the information is there, albeit scrabbled around. What is the first thing each contestant does? Walk around the junkyard, assimilating information (a.k.a. gaining knowledge) and correlating it with the existing knowledge of each piece's function (understanding). The path forward is evident: construct a device that accomplishes the objective.
Sounds simple, yes?
How about no? Let's say, for example, that the objective is to get past a wall. With the wild array of parts available, machines could be constructed to break the wall down, drill through it, tunnel under it, or even perhaps to fly over it. Which path do you choose? The path of least time taken, or the path of highest fuel efficiency, or the path of least distance traveled?
More to the point: pretend you were a competitor in this show. Of what use is your extensive experience with music against the wall? You might make the most killer lasagna in the known Universe, but unless that lasagna can break down brick-and-mortar walls I doubt you'd go far in the competition. Tiger Woods couldn't golf or bone his way past the situation, and even though Tony Hawk would look insanely cool skateboarding around the junkyard, he'd still be on one side of the wall and the objective on the other.
Simply put: Knowledge and understanding will give you the keys to a situation; only wisdom can tell you if it's the right key, and which direction and when to turn it.
__________________________________________________


Damn, this took a while. Hope you fellas enjoy.


With love,
Yours truly.

The title of this post is the title of this post.

"That awkward moment when you are trying to get over someone you have never dated [or even asked out]."
Story of my life, eh?

Dear Ms. Smith: Smart, social, and sexy Ms. Smith, you are truly an American dream. I apologize both in retrospect and in advance for all the assholes (and unworthy dweebs such as myself) that you have had to cope with and will probably have to continue to fend off for the rest of your life.
Dear Ms. Paul - that goes for you too, except you're Indian, not American. :-P
_____________________________________________

Family meet-up on Easter weekend! Oh yay - good home-cooked Indian food at last, even if only for a short while ... :-)
_____________________________________________

If there's any time that I even remotely wished the BOOMing stereotype of Middle-Easterners was true for me, it would be just so that I could get rid of whoever instituted that alumni policy. We get frustrated all the time, but - I'm sure the reader is aware - anger is much different. As someone who rarely gets angry, I really really don't want to be myself right now.
--
That's about it for now. I think.

s-XXII

What a time, what a time. Yet another step on the way past my youth.

I must say, there are assholes in the world, but I know at least one I can kind of respect - if only because I can't totally get a handle on his style. I got dinner and a balloon, I can't complain. ^_^

Coincidentally, perhaps, I am fated to have an interview with the same company my dad spent about 20 years working for - a massively multinational engineering corporation. And as they are flying me down the coast for this screening; I must say I'm flattered (as I should be), but this is barely the first of likely many steps. GOOD VIBES, people. GOOD VIBES. What an awesome birthday present that would be, yes? Did I mention they're multinational?

CAPS LOCK commands you.

Also marking today is what may be the first time that I am truly going strong for what I believe is right. It's ... interesting, to say the least, and as much as it kills me to say so, I can't comment for certain on the outcome. Sticking to the adage "If it ain't broke, don't fix it" is something that governing bodies in general (and everyone in them in particular) can learn from.

Reconstitutional

One day, I went to play music I've played for years (for old time's sake), and I was told I was being "disrespectful". By a kid fresh out of college - less than a year older than me - and only recently initiated in the instrumental arts. 
Disrespectful, you're telling me? 
Disrespectful, to exercise your talents in the service of others? 
Disrespectful, to help to teach, guide, and inspire in the ways of the glory of the Almighty? 
SHIT, MY LIFE IS A LIE. 


Ever had an appendage ripped off? If you're thinking "I can imagine" - just let me get the pliers. 
(This is, of course, metaphorical, as I have yet to experience such a physical trauma ... but the principle remains the same.) 
A spiritual dismemberment can be quite painful, though. 


 This is of course related to my prior rant on the new policy of the Catholic ministry on campus. A ministry that can now never be complete and truly fruitful as long as that particular policy remains in effect. Just like a tree with its roots cut off. Yes, I will go so far as to say that, as long as the policy exists, I cannot have respect for whoever it was that instigated it, and I can't help but feel for the loss that all the newcomers there will never know.
It hurts, did you know?
Come, feel the wound, much as Thomas had to see and touch before he could believe.
_________________________ 


 On a more thoughtful note, thanks to a friend I have discovered a new book, a book made of sheer intensity. Written by none other than Scott Adams, the creator of Dilbert, God's Debris is one of the most incredible books I have ever read - the beauty of it being that I am versed in virtually all the important concepts it presents. An experiment in 132 pages of pure unadulterated thought ... I recommend it to anyone and everyone who can take a mental beating. (You lucky few, you know who you are.) I am overloaded with the anticipation of perusing its follow-up: The Religion War.

Schismatic ...

So I finally cooled off enough to go back to the Catholic group on campus. And I ended up talking to the powers that be, which pretty much confirmed my suspicions.

The times, they are a-changing, and it deeply pains me that it may not be for the best, and even though I can see this there is nothing I can do. Oh, the truly bittersweet joy of leaving Plato's Cave - God help me.

_____________________

In unrelated news, so to speak, I am most excited at the possibility of obtaining a job working at computing giant Lenovo. This would be quite a score, especially considering it'd be my first real industry position. This will be, if not a turning point, at least a major uphill climb in my life, as I learn to truly be self-sufficient and responsible. I know that I can settle in well - hopefully I might learn a thing or two more about the professional world.

As a good friend of mine would say:
Carpe Diem!

I add on to that:
Que sera, sera.

Feel Like a Used Spare? Care to Share?

DISCLAIMER: This is a rant on a deeply personal level, so feel free to consider it biased. Long story short - I am railing against what I believe is an un-Christian policy implemented by an administration that is very new, but otherwise quite effective. Just note that this has absolutely nothing to do with me being an international student, that is irrelevant here. I do not mean to denigrate the people in charge - only the policy they implemented. 

Unfortunately, however, the nature of this policy doesn't make it easy to keep the two separate. This post ends up being more of a victim story, but hey, we don't all live the same life. Your comments are welcome, but unless you were part of the group I am talking about for at least a couple of years prior, you might not be able to fully grasp how deeply this affects myself and others.

Capische?

Good.

___________

So, those of you who follow me closely on Facebook (I doubt there are a lot of you) may have noticed a recent status declaring my separation from the Catholic group on campus, due to the new administration's alumni policy (or, more accurately, the "get-rid-of-alumni" policy).

A little bit of background here:

I'm a musician. One of the things that keeps me connected to God and to other people, in a way that goes deeper than any Christian rite, is the sharing of musical talent.

My friend Fred was of a similar disposition. He led the music ministry at the Catholic group for over 15 years, on his own free time, sometimes bringing in musical friends along the way. When a person invests that much in something that would otherwise be purely recreational - you know that something runs deep there. Keep in mind that Fred has played guitar since childhood, and is a truly inspirational leader.

Fred led the music ministry until Spring 2011 - and the new administration, appointed by the diocese, took the reins. They very nicely but firmly instituted a new policy of "encouraging alumni and non-students to move on to a 'real' parish". This is the excuse that was used to (essentially) get rid of our non-student musical friends Mike and BJ, which - any group musician will appreciate this - was akin to forcibly breaking up a family. Fred therefore chose to leave (even though, I was told, he would have been allowed to stay on in an advisory capacity), which in turn alienated people like Sue, Lacey, Marc, MJ, and several other alumni and non-students who had been at CCM for years and invested themselves in keeping it strong.

Can anyone tell me how discouraging the participation and involvement of the people who helped build up and support a student organization could be a good thing? An accurate analogy, by any standard, is an example of builders who lived in a home they helped build, but, once they moved out to make room for others, were no longer welcome to come again and help out. Does that make any sense to you?

One thing that boggles me is the hypocrisy of the whole situation. None of the members of the new administration were previously a part of the ODU community - and yet they implement a policy that would drive away people who actually 'know the ropes' and have the connections to bring more students in. The fact that the policy even came to exist is a solid indicator of their lack of experience. Admittedly, this cuts deep for me personally very much because of the departure of a music minister who was also a good friend - but let's look at this objectively. What organization, in their right mind, and particularly with a new leadership, would alienate the resources of a person with years more in leadership as well as musical experience?

Here's a thought: what do they mean by moving on to a 'real' parish? Do they mean a church? Does that mean to say that what they do on campus is a lie?

Because anywhere that there is an ordained priest and a congregation is considered a parish, and Mass can be celebrated, and wherever Mass is celebrated can be considered a church of sorts. And Mass is celebrated on campus, and yet I was told I need to move on to a real church, so does that mean that the Mass on campus is not real, since they don't consider it a 'real' parish?

I hope you can see where this might seem confusing.

Also assigned by the diocese, to replace Fred as music minister, is a lovely Filipino woman who, as luck would have it, also plays guitar. Let me just say first that I grew up around a massive Filipino population, so there is absolutely no racism involved here. I love Filipinos for their innate musical ability, love of singing, and extremely strong faith - this lady was a prime example, and I love her personality.

Now, believe me when I tell you that this is not easy for me to say:

As much as she is a wonderful person, speaking as a musician - it was a slap to the face. No amount of faith and devotion is any replacement for a solid leader and good musicianship. The fact is that, in even a semester, she would have learned as much - or more - about music and leadership from Fred, than she might learn from years anywhere else.

There, I said it.

And in a different situation, it would never have been an issue - but thanks to the new policy, there is no way to avoid it. It is not her fault that she is in deep without the proper support.

Any musician knows that without a confident leader, the music can never be good. I have seen this borne out in years of classical music training and good old observation - so feel free to disagree, but good luck proving me wrong.

_______________

I have more I want to say, but writing this post has not helped me to cool off as blogging has done in the past. So I figure I should quit now before I lose coherence.

This Boisterous World, My Oyster

So I graduated December 2011, big whoop(s). Here's to a joyous, jammin' New Year, what say you lovely people?

Now all that remains is for me to receive my work authorization from the United States Citizenship and Immigration Services (USCIS), and - oh, wait for it - GETTING A JOB.

For the uninitiated (which is pretty much everyone who isn't an international student), here's the deal:

• The visa status for an international student in the U.S.A. is designated F-1 (scholar).
• F-1 visa holders are not eligible to be employed off-campus AT ALL, except under extenuating circumstances. (An obvious exception to this 'employment' rule is simple stuff such as baby sitting, or yard work, or something of that nature, which can't be regulated. Or being illegally employed somewhere for cash only. But, there marks a difference between 'legal' and 'illegal' under-the-table employment. If that makes sense.)
• There was something I could have tried before I graduated, called "Curricular Practical Training" (CPT). It's too late for that, so I'm not going to talk about it. But feel free to read the link.
• Of particular importance, now that I have graduated, is what is called "Optional Practical Training" (OPT), of which there are two types - regular and "STEM". 
  - From the international student website: "Regular OPT is temporary employment authorized by Immigration for F-1 visa holders for 12 months.  It must be directly related to your major and gives you a chance to put your classroom knowledge into real world practice." F-1 students can apply for this up to 14 weeks before their graduation date, or, if unsure about graduation, up to 4 weeks after. 
  - STEM OPT is an extension to the regular OPT period, which applies solely to students with majors in Science, Technology, Engineering, or Mathematics. From the website: "STEM refers to majors in Sciences, Technology, Engineering and Mathematics.  It allows a student who majored in one of those areas to obtain a STEM OPT extension of an additional 17 months, bringing the total OPT time to 29 months." However, for STEM OPT to apply, the employer MUST be E-Verified.
  
  
  So, the translation: If I am able to obtain a job (which MUST be related to my major), I can be employed for up to a year from the start date I have requested. If this employer is E-Verified, I am eligible for the STEM OPT extension and can continue to work for an additional year and five months. If the employer is NOT E-Verified, I must find a new employer that is E-Verified in order to get the STEM extension.
  Capische?
  
  Now for the rest:
• When applying for OPT, we are supposed to allow for up to 90 days of processing time by immigration. If I obtain a job and my requested start date passes, I am NOT ALLOWED to begin work unless and until I have the document from immigration in my hand. 
• During the regular OPT period of 12 months, I am allowed a cumulative total of 90 days during which I can be unemployed. If I am able to obtain a job and make it as far as getting STEM OPT, this cumulative 'unemployment clock' is extended 30 more days, for an absolute total of 120 days of unemployment during a 29-month period.
• If the total limit of unemployed days is reached (90 days for regular OPT, and 120 for STEM), I have three options (and whichever I choose would have to be implemented before that limit is surpassed, or else I would be in violation of my visa status):
  - Leave the country and continue my job search from my home country
  - Return to school for a new degree program, and lose the OPT authorization (also, the new degree must be GREATER than the one previously achieved, so I'd be screwed if I was a PhD graduate).
  - Obtain a new visa status. Any of you wonderful American females want to marry me?

Can't you tell that I just LOVE being an international student?

Fortune

So, yeah, this has been an eventful series of weeks.

Things are back to normal, almost ... except that I'm not at the same level of loneliness that I used to be. I can certainly say that's an improvement.

I'm not an emotional person. Not usually, anyway. I've always prided myself on being rational and logical, and perhaps this was where I fell short - all those emotions, so long kept in check, eroding at my control and clouding my perceptions. (Not to mention that that made me seem indifferent to everything.) It's not something I was previously prepared for, and it's probably a good thing, in the long run, that we separated before anything untoward happened.

I feel a bit better about myself now, however - she gave me hope. A potion more potent, there is not.

She may or may not be the one for me (and vice versa), but someone will be. Someday.

Uncouth

Time for some more words to be said. Ready? Here we go:

 "Banana fish origami spork."

Okay, done. Wasn't that fun?

The fact of the matter is, not everyone knows the whole story - not even myself. And as much as I implore my peers not to jump to conclusions, it's not an easy task even for me.

As you judge my actions, opinions, and reactions, all I ask is that you realize how much stress I have been going through. I mean, do you know how it feels to be forced to find a job within three months of graduation or go home? Can you truly understand how it feels to have almost no truly close personal friendships for over 21 years? And don't tell me to talk to God, because I have. It may not seem that way on the surface, but being born and raised Catholic, being a musician, living in an environment that I think is far more enlightening than America, and learning some of the deepest concepts of science, gives me a connection to God that I fear I may never be able to share with anyone. Can you honestly tell me that I don't know what I'm talking about? Because I could say the very same to you.

Some clarifications, just because, like anyone, I hate being misinterpreted:

- It's easy to mean well, and not so easy to do well - both you, dear reader, and I have experienced this on some level at some point in our lives. But if we aren't rational about what we do, I can't say that our prospects for success are high. After obtaining multiple outside opinions on my  post titled "Culture", I still fail to see how any privacy was lost or defamation incurred, because I was careful to keep it ambiguous. Using a single phrase from a conversation is NOT equivalent to a loss of confidentiality. An air of passive-aggressiveness would not be out of place in that post, and for that I apologize - but it would appear that rationality was lost on more than just myself.
In hindsight, I did appear to vilify my ex-girlfriend, which is not something I intended to imply. It was her idea to end the relationship, and I agreed - it was a mutual break-up. I'm fairly certain that if she hadn't done so, then I eventually would have. It was the wrong thing for both of us.

- While it may not be my place to criticize decisions by authoritative figures, it is entirely my place - in fact, it would be dutiful - to express discontent. I realize that I could have done so far more tactfully, and for that I am sorry. I know there must have been more in play and I wish I knew the whole story, but in the absence of better data my conclusions remain standing. It would also be prudent to note that my post titled "Life Is Short" was composed the day after I became single again, and I was far more emotional than I normally give myself license to be. I will not try to excuse what was said, but I stand by what I intended to mean.

The Flavour of Regret

Going off of what I mentioned in my last post - text is an inconvenient medium.

BUT, it's all I really have at the moment while I figure stuff out. Sometimes I wish I had a best friend - you think you know what it's like without one, but believe me when I tell you that you really, really don't.

I am going to spell things out, at least for myself; make of it what you will.

I realize that my prior two blog posts came off much harsher than I intended them, and I apologize. I understand that more than one of my friends has read these and been offended, and I apologize.

I realize that I am at fault, and for that I am truly sorry.

This is not to say that I am solely culpable in particular matters, but in the interest of reconciliation I hope that will be acknowledged in the appropriate forum, and it's about time we searched out that forum.

All I can say in my defense is that I have been going through a lot lately that I have never had prior experience with, and neither did I ever expect to experience some of it in my lifetime. And I request - nay, I beseech - you, the reader, to truly understand that. I cannot make this clear enough.

I will not stand meekly by and simply be forced to acquiesce - I want to understand all viewpoints, and I want all viewpoints understood, before I choose to comply, for thus is true knowledge borne.

There is much more that needs to be said, and so will it be.

Culture

So there was this girl, right? She liked me.

I liked her too, so we hung out.

Then we became close, and our friends were like, Whaaat?

And so we were, until we weren't.

Some friends were like, Whaaat? again, and some were Meh. and some were like, Yay!

Honestly, I don't get it. This pervasive belief that you can't maintain a friendship after a break-up. I suppose it could stem from the sound of that word. Break-up. Bleh. Breaking off pieces of yourself, is what it brings to mind if you let it simmer long enough. Why? I wasn't the one who ended it, and I told her from the beginning that if it didn't feel right then I was counting on her to tell me, because I had no prior experience to compare it with. I tried to understand her, and through her understand myself. It's all about me, after all, isn't it? Just like friends who care about one or both of us but don't realize how little they know of the whole story. It's all about them and that's how they define their friendships, somehow. I wish I knew how that worked.

I shared my heart with her, and she shared hers with me, and knowing I have absolutely no prior experience in such matters, she gave me patience, which I cannot appreciate enough.

But maybe I wasn't ready. Maybe she wasn't ready. That's no excuse to lose a friend - and no excuse for others to judge us by.

Even though it's essentially encoded in our brains to do so. Whether by genetics or environment, I don't care. We fight against our primal urges using the seeming excuse that a higher power sees all. But if fear of that higher power is all that stops someone from being a bad person then I don't know if I care for that someone, because I can safely say I am not afraid of God, and yet I still know how to be a good person. As far as I am aware, anyway. I could be wrong, though, so don't give up hope yet.

I don't even know where that came from. Divine inspiration, perhaps?

You really can't put as much emotion as you'd like into a message based in text, no matter how much you try. Someone is going to misunderstand, or misinterpret, or over-analyze, or something. As adept as I am at using it, the English language is really effing limited in its expressiveness.

I wonder how many girlfriends Jesus had growing up.

Life Is Short

SO. MANY. CHANGES.

-First, the CCM lost a great music minister.

-Then, I have to prepare to graduate, and find a job, and a new place to live.

-Then (and I know quite a few people were proud of me for this), I found a wonderful girl who I could call my significant other, and was happy.

-And then, I'm alone again.

...........................

Lets step through this.

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The Catholic diocese in Richmond took the liberty this Fall semester 2011 to finally appoint a managing body for the Catholic Campus Ministry at ODU.

This is all well and good, except that they were also kind enough to (basically) boot out the existing music ministry led by my good friend Fred Johnson.

Honestly, what would you say if you'd been leading a music group for 16 years at your own behest - and you were good at it! - and the higher-ups were like, "Well that's cool, but we don't need you any more."? And then  you were replaced with someone fresh out of college with no experience, who didn't even bother to talk to you and learn the best way to go about doing what you did?

I really couldn't care less about the management - but taking the music and downgrading it like that was - and is - something really hard for me to handle.

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I graduate this December 2011 with a Bachelor of Science in Electrical Engineering, minoring in Computer Engineering, Physics, and Music.

My lease ends at the end of November, which means that I will be without a home during exam week. Fun, eh? Let's see who I can bunk with for a bit.

I was contacted after a job fair and have a phone interview lined up - and that's about it as far as jobs go. I can't legally work at my current job once I graduate, because it's not "directly related to [my] major". I am allowed up to 90 days of unemployment once I graduate, and then ... I have no idea.

Let me just say that you probably have no idea how f***ing scared I am.

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It would be inaccurate to say 'I found her', because quite technically we kind of accidentally found each other thanks to my friend's computer (no, not a dating website. No, not a porn website either! For crying out loud, why on earth would you think like that?). Let's just say God works in mysterious ways, apparently, using broken computers and dorm roommates.

Lindsie is like and unlike me in so many ways, and someone I could truly connect with. I believe she confirmed, for me, an idea my friend postulated - namely, that I could only be truly happy with someone on an intellectual level similar to mine - and by God, she was close.

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Honestly, of all the times for me to meet my first girlfriend, now would be the worst, wouldn't it? About to graduate, no idea if I'd be in the same area, with the stresses of my final classes - and with her being an undergraduate researcher and studying full-time, every time we hung out it had the lingering feeling that it was detracting from our study time (and several times, that was in fact the case).

I'm certainly not better off now that we've parted ways ... but I'm still in a better position than before I met her, because now I know the joy that can be borne of a healthy emotional and intellectual relationship - and to think that I fully expected to go single for the rest of my life before I met her ...

One of the few things that might get me down about it, though, is that I can no longer joke about having never been in a relationship before. 

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Soooo ... yeah, I'm a bit miffed - and, perhaps, overwhelmed - but I can't help but think I'm supposed to learn something from all of this. "Grow up", as Lindsie liked to say, is the rather obvious one, but I think "Persevere" is the lesson I'd like to take away from this. Kind of like Fred, who's started up his own choir group outside of the ODU campus to continue doing what he loves. I really want to join them, but first I have to make the new CCM music ministry the best that it can be before I leave. (And then I have to find a job. And a place to live. But let's not go there yet ...)