Why is it that all the things that make me feel less like dying involve making women feel more alive?
And why do I have to justify it?
Friday, December 21, 2018
Thursday, December 20, 2018
Connection
If you read this, it's already too late. You're trapped in the same cruel simulation that drives all of our lives.
Why do I even bother? It's not like I've got a chance ... she said so herself. With everything she represents, how could I even hope to compete for her attention?
I believe what people tell me. That's what children are wired to do, after all, aren't they? Wired to learn and accept what they are told to be true.
You have to be taught to think constructively. You have to be taught to question, or at least to question with purpose.
Nobody taught me to think the thoughts that humans need to succeed. And yet I am shamed for my inability.
Without those thoughts, I am unworthy, incomplete, unfulfilled, unloved, and any number of other adjectives.
Even teddy bears need hugs, or so I've tried telling myself. The truth will set you free ... free from everything but the truth.
Why do I even bother? It's not like I've got a chance ... she said so herself. With everything she represents, how could I even hope to compete for her attention?
I believe what people tell me. That's what children are wired to do, after all, aren't they? Wired to learn and accept what they are told to be true.
You have to be taught to think constructively. You have to be taught to question, or at least to question with purpose.
Nobody taught me to think the thoughts that humans need to succeed. And yet I am shamed for my inability.
Without those thoughts, I am unworthy, incomplete, unfulfilled, unloved, and any number of other adjectives.
Even teddy bears need hugs, or so I've tried telling myself. The truth will set you free ... free from everything but the truth.
Thursday, October 11, 2018
Learning Curve
Honestly, there are so many truths that people simply cannot face for the sake of their own sanity.
Look up the case of Genie, the girl who resonates within my thoughts every so often. She and I aren't so different ... I mean, of course we are different people, but it's worth highlighting the occasional metaphorical parallels I seem to notice.
God, I feel sick even thinking to compare my life to hers. It's honestly laughable how much our privilege shows in thoughts like those.
The first truth: that people can be so depraved as to let this happen. But the Holocaust, Armenian genocide, Trail of Tears, Rwandan genocide, Unit 731, the Fritzl case, comfort women - and innumerable other examples - more than suffice to demonstrate what our lizard-brains are capable of ignoring and/or rationalizing.
But that's not it ... it's not exactly it, is it?
No, she was effectively raised in a box, and it hurts to say that, in a metaphorical sense, so was I. Not the literal box she was raised in, no. And certainly not with the malicious intent that was evident in her case.
But intent really matter (answer: it does, if barely) when the results are so crushing?
A box is a set of limitations.
They exist whether self-imposed or externally begotten. And it's an interesting thought experiment: who is the true explorer - 1) one who ventures but does not realize that the box exists, or 2) one who is aware of the box's existence and yet ventures anyway?
I lie, of course, in that hard to accept third category: I neither explored my limitations, nor did I realize there was a box to explore and test the limitations of.
Did Genie ever truly learn that the physical world outside was real? I don't know. And we will surely never know, ourselves. But whatever her perception, could you judge her for it, in good faith?
No, I don't know, I'm rambling. But the reason her case is brought up is something so vital, so fundamental to our development that we overlook it completely: the curvature of our learning ability. No, there no such thing as "it's never too late" ... because in order to learn new things, one must first learn how to learn. Much, much more than the innate learning ability of a baby - the ability to discriminate and correlate the otherwise overwhelming vastness of our environments.
The fact that I have the presence of mind to try to analyze my situation and draw conclusions (however misinformed) is so humbling and depressing - would Genie have been able to do the same at all?
Look - I really don't know what I'm trying to say here. Perhaps I've lost the ability to maintain a coherent train of thought?
No, scratch that ... I remember now. The fact that there are certain things that MUST be learned during a critical period in a person's development, or else these are skills that will be unattainable within a reasonable framework.
I missed out on social development in a relatively small way in relation to Genie, but in a relatively big way in relation to my peers. I'm working to fix myself but I hate myself enough that my progress will forever be crippled.
Yes, it's never too late to start.
But there is a point at which it will be too late to finish.
And I am not so strong of a person that I could keep fighting on my own.
Look up the case of Genie, the girl who resonates within my thoughts every so often. She and I aren't so different ... I mean, of course we are different people, but it's worth highlighting the occasional metaphorical parallels I seem to notice.
God, I feel sick even thinking to compare my life to hers. It's honestly laughable how much our privilege shows in thoughts like those.
The first truth: that people can be so depraved as to let this happen. But the Holocaust, Armenian genocide, Trail of Tears, Rwandan genocide, Unit 731, the Fritzl case, comfort women - and innumerable other examples - more than suffice to demonstrate what our lizard-brains are capable of ignoring and/or rationalizing.
But that's not it ... it's not exactly it, is it?
No, she was effectively raised in a box, and it hurts to say that, in a metaphorical sense, so was I. Not the literal box she was raised in, no. And certainly not with the malicious intent that was evident in her case.
But intent really matter (answer: it does, if barely) when the results are so crushing?
A box is a set of limitations.
They exist whether self-imposed or externally begotten. And it's an interesting thought experiment: who is the true explorer - 1) one who ventures but does not realize that the box exists, or 2) one who is aware of the box's existence and yet ventures anyway?
I lie, of course, in that hard to accept third category: I neither explored my limitations, nor did I realize there was a box to explore and test the limitations of.
Did Genie ever truly learn that the physical world outside was real? I don't know. And we will surely never know, ourselves. But whatever her perception, could you judge her for it, in good faith?
No, I don't know, I'm rambling. But the reason her case is brought up is something so vital, so fundamental to our development that we overlook it completely: the curvature of our learning ability. No, there no such thing as "it's never too late" ... because in order to learn new things, one must first learn how to learn. Much, much more than the innate learning ability of a baby - the ability to discriminate and correlate the otherwise overwhelming vastness of our environments.
The fact that I have the presence of mind to try to analyze my situation and draw conclusions (however misinformed) is so humbling and depressing - would Genie have been able to do the same at all?
Look - I really don't know what I'm trying to say here. Perhaps I've lost the ability to maintain a coherent train of thought?
No, scratch that ... I remember now. The fact that there are certain things that MUST be learned during a critical period in a person's development, or else these are skills that will be unattainable within a reasonable framework.
I missed out on social development in a relatively small way in relation to Genie, but in a relatively big way in relation to my peers. I'm working to fix myself but I hate myself enough that my progress will forever be crippled.
Yes, it's never too late to start.
But there is a point at which it will be too late to finish.
And I am not so strong of a person that I could keep fighting on my own.
Sunday, September 2, 2018
Inquiry
I've always felt that I ask people too many questions sometimes, or perhaps speak patronizingly.
Multiple people have assured me that this is not the case, but how do I know they're not just saying what they think I want to hear? Such is the insidiousness of self-esteem.
One thing people rarely consider is that perhaps I'm not asking the questions for their sake, but for my own.
Multiple people have assured me that this is not the case, but how do I know they're not just saying what they think I want to hear? Such is the insidiousness of self-esteem.
One thing people rarely consider is that perhaps I'm not asking the questions for their sake, but for my own.
Friday, August 31, 2018
Transformation
It may be worth noting that, for what feels like the first time in my life, I had a win this past Sunday (26th August 2018). You may be wondering why I would want to be so specific on the date... well, isn't that how you keep track of personal milestones?
I can already hear certain guys in my life if I were to tell them... "what a softie", "you gotta take what you want", "think about yourself, bro".
I made the night about her, and I am so profoundly glad that I did. I'm sure she feels the same, too. Not bad for a first time, especially in 28 years. It's never particularly bothered me that I am a virgin, because sex never is or was my goal. So it doesn't surprise me that at the conclusion of my experience I am still *technically* a virgin, and proud of it.
It's experiences like these that make life worth living. Now I just need to get a life.
On a related, abstract note, this is a special case of the general notion that focusing on the equality of the sexes, and the well-being of women in particular (due to the many centuries of female disenfranchisement), is actually better for everyone in the long run.
Monday, July 23, 2018
Spiral
It just slowly gets more difficult.
A self-sustaining reaction can never exist without certain prerequisites; if the conditions are not fulfilled, everything fizzles.
I've never been one to try to defy the laws of nature. And if I was ever lucky enough for the conditions to be right, I was too ignorant to know.
Because every human is always born with all the knowledge they need, clearly.
Sunday, July 8, 2018
Epiphany
The only thing standing in the way of my dreams is the fact that the person having those dreams is me.
Friday, June 22, 2018
Downside
I wish I could ignore the women I see as effortlessly as my brain forgets people's names who have introduced themselves to me three times over.
How honest is too honest? How do people not be honest and still call themselves people? Or is it human to be dishonest?
Why, why, why. I never drank alcohol, I never smoked or anything else traditionally questionable. I know how all the damned anti-drug PSAs always say "Just say no" ... how do you refuse something you've never been offered? I never explicitly said no, so am I secretly a druggie?
Each day is a constant reminder that I hate going alone.
Come out for a smoke? I don't smoke.
Come out for a drink? I don't drink.
Come out for the game? I don't follow games.
Come out for the band? I don't have money for the ticket.
Come out for church? Just ... no.
Come out? ... I don't.
Do I want to?
Do you want me to? Really?
Self-esteem is trickier than Loki ever could hope to be.
Fuck, even Jim Carrey's dumbass character in Yes Man had friends who he was comfortable enough to say no to and yet who dragged him along. No doubt Zooey Deschanel helped, I'm guessing ...
Existence is a constant lie. I tell these people I have a plan when I can barely see past the next day - not for lack of trying!
Who are you, to me?
How honest is too honest? How do people not be honest and still call themselves people? Or is it human to be dishonest?
Why, why, why. I never drank alcohol, I never smoked or anything else traditionally questionable. I know how all the damned anti-drug PSAs always say "Just say no" ... how do you refuse something you've never been offered? I never explicitly said no, so am I secretly a druggie?
Each day is a constant reminder that I hate going alone.
Come out for a smoke? I don't smoke.
Come out for a drink? I don't drink.
Come out for the game? I don't follow games.
Come out for the band? I don't have money for the ticket.
Come out for church? Just ... no.
Come out? ... I don't.
Do I want to?
Do you want me to? Really?
Self-esteem is trickier than Loki ever could hope to be.
Fuck, even Jim Carrey's dumbass character in Yes Man had friends who he was comfortable enough to say no to and yet who dragged him along. No doubt Zooey Deschanel helped, I'm guessing ...
Existence is a constant lie. I tell these people I have a plan when I can barely see past the next day - not for lack of trying!
Who are you, to me?
Thursday, May 10, 2018
Want vs Need
I don't want to be needed.
I highly doubt anybody truly wants that.
I need to be wanted.
Tell me you disagree.
Thursday, April 19, 2018
In Theory
I know how to communicate with people.
I know how to pleasure a woman.
I know how to perform CPR and the Heimlich maneuver.
I know how to build a computer.
I know how to write programs.
I know how to be happy for the rest of my life.
I know how to write novels and symphonies.
-------
Theoretically, anyway.
When I'm ...
When I'm depressed, I eat.
I'm depressed a lot of the time.
---
When I'm lonely, I am depressed.
I have been emotionally and physically alone for most of my formative years, which, unsurprisingly, carries over to my adult life.
---
How do you describe being "sheltered" to people who have all had some form of social life imposed upon them - whether for better or for worse - and then explain that that sheltering wasn't intentional?
Fuck fuck fuck.
---
Burning out in your early 20s sucks ass in ways that are just ... unfair.
Tuesday, March 20, 2018
Wednesday, February 28, 2018
Used To
Fuck, it's been awhile.
I used to know things. Or at least I think I did. I do know that I've forgotten many things. Do I really know what it is that I used to know? Did I really learn anything?
When you learn a lot of things and you know some of the answers, but then you dumb yourself down so that you fit in ... who is at fault?
Every happy experience is just a reminder of the sadness that engulfs my psyche.
"Stop", he says, knowing full well that they don't even slow down.
Who are you to say it?
Who are you saying it to?
No. The only thing that makes me happy is the touch of a woman ... and it's just the tiniest bit sad that I - or anyone - would ever have to justify what makes them happy when it's something so harmless. Talk all you want, because as we all know, talking "helps".
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